A Letter to My Family (That I One Day Hope to Say Out Loud)

I don’t want to be unhappy and uncomfortable with myself for my whole life. Because of this, there is something I need to tell you. Here, all of my friends call me Max. They call me this because I’ve asked them to, and I’ve asked them to because it makes me feel happier with myself to be referred to that way; as neutral or masculine. They also refer to me with they or he pronouns, which again is something that makes me feel more comfortable with who I am. And this makes me comfortable and it makes me happier because I’m trans.

I know that this is probably hard for you to hear, especially considering I’m almost 20 and have never shown any signs of this earlier on in my life. But this is how I’m comfortable. I feel better about myself when people see me as a boy, and I feel better about myself when I see me as a boy. Being masculine just makes me feel like me. Right now, I’m not comfortable with who I am. I’m not comfortable with being seen as a girl, or sounding like a girl. I wish my voice were deeper. I wish my jaw and shoulders were broader. I wish my chest was flatter. I wish I looked more like a boy than I do. And that is the reason why I’ve decided to tell you this now.

In all honesty, I’ve been going by Max since about halfway through my first year at university. I had a friend who helped me figure this all out by calling me Max and using he and they pronouns with me and it really helped me to understand what was going on. I started my social transition by changing my pronouns and my name, as well as dressing in a more masculine way, during that time. Sometimes, honestly, I don’t know how you haven’t put it together yourselves yet. But, I’ve waited this long to tell you because I wasn’t sure who I was or what I wanted. Even now, I’m not entirely sure of who I am. But I do know that I am uncomfortable with myself the way I am right now. And I’m telling you that I’m trans now because I’ve decided I want to go on a low dose of Testosterone, so that I can start to see the changes I want to see, and so that I can start liking myself more. I’ve also been considering top surgery. I haven’t told you this, either, but on occasion I do wear a chest binder, and it makes me feel more myself to have a flat chest.

I’m sorry I waited so long to tell you all of this. I wanted to be confident in myself before I came out, and I wanted to be sure that you would be okay with this. However, I’m still not exactly confident that you would be. But I’m more uncomfortable now than I ever have been, and I can’t exactly undergo a physical transition secretly. I hope that you can understand this and I hope that you can still see that I’m the same person, the same kid. I love you guys, and I hope you can still love me too. And accept me for who I am and who I want to be.

-Max.