So I know that I’ve written a blog post about my relationship with my chest before. However, I was just reading back through it and I realized that already, this relationship I have with my chest has changed.
I wrote the last entry in August. This would be around the time that I was just starting to socially transition and present more masculine. I do admit, I didn’t have much of a problem with my chest then as I do now. Before, I only had a problem with the fact that having a visible chest meant that strangers would gender me as female right off the bat (this is, of course, speaking as though said stranger hadn’t yet heard my voice). And I will also admit that I did like the way my chest looked – in private. However, it’s now been 11 months since I published that post, and my feelings on the matter have almost entirely changed.
Of course, I’m still not out to my parents (trust me, you would have heard about it otherwise), so this means that I’m still in sports bras to help hide my chest. Over the past summer I did purchase a chest binder, and honestly I love wearing it. I don’t wear it often due to the fact that at around 3 hours of wearing it, it starts to hurt. But, when I do wear it I feel great- I feel like I look like I’m meant to; and I’m more comfortable with how it makes me look to other people. In fact, I’m looking into buying a second one, this time in nude, so that I can be even more comfortable (this way, if it peeks out a bit, it won’t be that noticeable. Plus, you can swim in GC2B binders!) The point is, since August of last year, I’ve become happier with imagining myself with a flat chest. I’m considering that one day maybe I will get top surgery, because I think it will make me feel more comfortable in my skin.
My chest does bug me even when I’m on my own sometimes. There have been a few times where my dysphoria has been bad enough that I feel the need to turn off the lights before taking off my shirt. Of course my biggest problem is still the way my chest appears in public, but my relationship with it has changed. I would be okay with having surgery now (as scary as I find surgery to be). I like the way my chest looks in a binder; but binding hurts, and I don’t think I would want that to be my solution forever.
Needless to say, this whole thing just goes to show how complicated a journey being trans can be for most. Over the course of one more year, my relationship with my body and the way I want it to be has changed. Who knows what’ll happen next. (Hopefully, it’s coming out. Fingers crossed).